Sunday, October 13, 2019

Where I See Myself 5 Years From Now

I am an organized person. I like to be in control. Whether it is organizations, work, planning a trip with friends, or even eating lunch. I count every minute that I spent.

I like my meetings to be punctual. If I say 2 pm, I expect everyone would be ready by 2 pm. When i started creative meeting and create ice-breaking game, I planned it a week before. I like organized little things, bridal shower, buying gifts to a person, even things like paperworks ( Ok hear me right, Pakistan Embassy. I know your visa application has difficult process. But actually, I like completing your papers and checklist all the necessary document). Before I go traveling, I created a spreadsheet about the itinerary, which place I should see first, I counted the budget that I will spend.

To sum up, I play by the rule.

Nonetheless, i am trying to remind myself to not being hungry on appreciation nor pat on the back. 
Man, i even pat myself on the back. 

But, I'll tell you what, being always-in-control-mindset is exhausting. The idea of always putting things on the right box is tiring. I go to work, trying to prioritize what I want to do as soon as I reach is even draining my energy.

Which now I think, I really should slow it down.
Considered I am an organized person, sadly, as I said before, keeping myself to be in control in everything is exhausting. 

Honestly, as an organized person what scared me the most is if someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now. Because I will mumble, you might hear me say... I might take graduate school somewhere overseas. Which I think none of the organized people will draw a vivid picture of themselves 5 years from now. They must be saying it with confidence. I want to do this-this-this.

In the other hand, I am not even sure of what i see in myself 5 years from now. It might be taking grad school, but I'm not even sure I will do it or not. When in fact, I'd rather see myself, 5 years from now,  taking care of my kid in a beach house somewhere nice and quiet. As simple as that. I see 5 years from now, I can live more minimalize than this, not being chained by money or material things. Taking less and more into giving. Try not to set ambitious goal by the time I'm 30 

Obviously, It is actually necessary to keep reminding myself that there are things that we cannot control. So instead of being upset about stuff that i can't control. I keep reminding myself that we can only control what we can do, and rely the rest to Allah. I might not be living at the beach house 5 years from now, or I could be still working in my current company, whatever it is, it's always good to remind ourselves to it is always worth it to give an effort to things that we can control and rely the rest to Allah.

Saturday, September 14, 2019

You Need The Fear

You know,

there is one episode in Friends, where Rachel cannot stand being a waitress because her passion is in the fashion business, then Joey and Chandler suggest her to quit her job because if she keeps waiting for it to come, it won't come, so "you need the fear", they said.

The thing is, I thought about that sentence a lot, even my sister will say "you need the fear" when I complained about all the tiresome of working. Of all the complained, thoughts of "what am I doing?" usually occurred. You know that human has given such a gift to endure all kind of changes? Like a chameleon, we actually have that capability to adapt to all kinds of changes. 

Maybe,
I'm doing this autopilot for so long and I really should rethink what I want. 

Man, I need fear.

Friday, May 17, 2019

Building Trust

You see,
I have problem about putting trust on somebody. I can easily trust someone even though i never meet them. Yes, in Islam you've been taught to always having husnuzon, when you supposed to think good toward a person. But that doesn't mean to blindly trust someone, because you might end up getting killed in the dark alley. Now, do you remember when your mom used to tell you to not get into the car with stranger? Or taking anyone's candy from a stranger? Yeah, i forgot about all of those things when i'm older.

I used to think bad guy look like a bad guy (from the movie). Beard, suspicious looking, and scar on their face. But in modern era like today, bad guy doesn't look like how i pictured. They can be sweet, good looking, smart, and articulate person. Have you heard about Ted Bundy? Who would've thought young, handsome looking, smart, and articulate person like him murdered 30 women (probably more) in a very sadistic way. There is even so many real example of BAD GUY LOOKING LIKE A GOOD GUY but still i didn't learn.

What i'm trying to say is, i have to admit that most of the time, i forgot i can say "no" which make me ended up trusting someone blindly. I can say No, i don't want to meet you. No, i can't go there. No, i don't want to lie to my mother, etc etc.
I didn't say that everyone that i meet all bad guys. But since i am into i-can-go-thousand-miles-for-you-even though-i-never-meet-you and i am easily bored, sometimes i took it into the extreme way to feed my curiosity and end up being disappointed. 

Even sometimes i trusted someone, and trying to be careful in every steps that i make, and the other person said, "So you don't trust me? After all this time?" or "You know what? We don't have to meet if you don't trust me", or even classic "You offended me by not trusting me". Ahem, i mean, if you really are trustworthy why are you so offended? You can just provide stuff that i need and be done with it without a lot of drama. Or maybe they really gonna kidnap you that's why they are easily offended. Hm.

I know its a mistakes by trusting people blindly and i thank God that i still ok now and not being harmed at all. I even learned this after so many times i blindly trusted someone. You know, trust is not something just born like that. You have to build trust. In my defense, it's not my fault i don't trust you, its you who doesn't make yourself trustworthy enough.
Now i'm looking so smart by saying this, but actually i have done so many stoopid stuff because i trust someone blindly.

One of the stupid mistake that i made was, i went thousand miles to a foreign land to meet someone, who doesn't even want to put his name on everything related to me. Because he said, that "i'm afraid that the company (where he put his name) might call my house phone and tell my father". It used to be make sense to me, but if i think now, that even i'm willing to go to a foreign land where i don't know anybody compared to someone just being afraid to get scolded by his father is utterly bullshit. Other that that, i have done so many other stupid things that i even too embarrassed to say it out loud.

Anyway, again, i don't know who read this stuff. Anybody. Really. I hope you can be smart in every steps that you make, and it would be very fundamental to teach your future kids about building trust on somebody and even on yourself to be trusted by somebody else. Especially in the modern era like today, in hookup culture, where you can meet someone as easy as just "swipe right".


Saturday, April 27, 2019

Work Hard or Work Smart?

Last week, i took a break from my work while it's long holiday. For total, i have 5 days break just to be at home. Chilling. Napping. Netflix. Binge Watching. Maybe some of you will comment on "Gila 5 hari di rumah doang?"
and i'd say...
"Fuck you, i like to be at home"
When people saying "Go big or Go Home", i would definitely choose to go home. What am i trying to show off anyway?

Anyway, i took a break for 5 days because i was concern about my mental health. I'm feeling burnout with my work. I didn't say this and asking some pity from everyone around me. I am actually thinking why i feel overwhelmed and do the research myself. This remind me of the difference between working hard or working smart. From my point of view, working hard is more into process and working smart is more into delivering the result. 

We have 9 working hours, which means 1/3 of my life i spent at work. I chose to plan my day to day activities so it don't exceed the working hours whereas company gladly make you do that. But for me, working 12 hours a day doesn't excite me at all. It even brings disappointment into my personal because i don't get to read a book that i bought, didn't get to learn my Spanish, didn't get to watch Netflix. 

I know some people chose the other side where they are really satisfied with work and enjoying it. But for me, my personal growth and my free time remains to be my priority to keep me sane. Anyway, during 9 hours of working, i chose the most efficient way to do the work so i get to do a lot of tasks and finish it on time. I read every other Medium article that labeled "Productivity" so i still can achieve my personal goal and professional goal. 

I have discussion with my good friend about productivity at work, the most interest thing is apparently people who working late cannot determined whether they are productive at work or not. Maybe if you are newbie at work, you might be impressed. If you observe them closely you would be thinking "Are they really productive at work?". The truth is, sometimes people who works 9 hours can clear more tasks than people who works 12 hours at work. But, some people at work cannot actually see it and give this-12-hours-champ an applause. 

Man, i even know someone who work in such top notch multi national company, and still he can manage everything well. Even, Jeff Bezos he still can eat dinner with his family everyday (before he got divorce). As a human, i need my ego to be feed as well and for you all who already done such tremendous work, congratulations on finish everything on time and create a balance between work and life. 

Please noted, i didn't offend anybody who has to work around the clock because it is their nature of their business. Maybe its agencies, maybe consultant. But for you all people who still got a chance to create your work life balance, please make it work. And if you cannot, please stop acting like you are the busiest person on earth.

Thursday, April 18, 2019

Nothing Last Forever

Contrary to what you were thinking, no...this isn't Maroon5 lyric with the similar song's title to this. I was hoping it would be as easy as copy paste this song tho.

After i broke down my earphone earlier, suddenly i thought "Damn, can't everything that i have become ever last?". I didn't put "Buying earphone" into my monthly budget, so of course i have to wait for next month and list it into my budget so i can buy one without messing up my monthly expenses. Anyhow, this got me thinking of this title.

I once listened to one of my favorite Ustadz, saying that everything that you own in this life (dunya) is temporary. Your family, your friends, your wealth, even your health can be taken away from you just like that, so that a person can know they can only rely on Allah. I know i am not as religious as i think i am, but of course this statement doesn't came from the Ustadz but from Him, so i believe in this.

Not a long ago, i felt like i'm loosing a friend. 
I have a friend that i cherish dearly, that i always talk to everyday, ramble about my days, even goes into my emergency contact, the one whom make sure that i am ok when i'm abroad or when i'm going on a date. I know this person for 8 years now and i know her stories through her bad and best day. One day, she found her lobster and told me she was getting married. Of course i'm happy for her, i really do, but there is a feeling sneaking into my mind that worried "what if she never reply my messages anymore?" , "what if she is busy with her life", etc etc. 

I was worried as i told my other friend about this matter. Luckily, this friend comfort me spiritually and reminded me that there is nothing actually last forever, and i should be rely on Allah than human. Because human can let you down, but Allah won't. She told me so many things, but this is the part where i remember the most. 
This statement might seems like a spiritually journey, but this taught me to be more calm if somebody leaves me.

I still being cynical at times, when people annoyed me and i want to cut them for the rest of my life, i thought to myself "There are 7.1 billions people in this world, impossible nobody can replace you". Which i still think about it. The thing is i'm not good at comfort people as i always awkward around in the moment where they think i can comfort them. Because i don't think my cynical thought can be accept by them.

The other bitter truth that i found is, in the company, no matter how good you are, you will always be replaceable. Yes, they might cry when they bid adieu to you in your farewell party. But, not less than 3 months you will be replaced by other people. And the people who cried for you? Give it a month. Tops. Then they will forget about you. So, how can people get so jumawa on their skills where the can easily be replaced, i wonder.

Anyway, in this topic of Nothing Last Forever, it got me thinking that i don't want to take anybody or anything in my life for granted. Ever. Family that i can rely on, friends that support me, wealth that i am living in, health that make me can type this vigorously. I guess it is true, that you cannot buy those things. The most valuable things in life.

I don't know who will read this post. Anybody. Really. I hope you cherish your family that has been nice to you, friends that always support you despite of your attitude, or even maybe a lover that love through the thick and thin. Everyday. To their last day.

Saturday, March 23, 2019

Traveling is a Trend or Hobby?

As a person who still cannot figure out which one actually my hobby is, this topic actually risky. However, i still put "traveling" in a column of hobby whenever i filled out a form, or signing up on something (dating apps is one of them). 

I have been very lucky that i can traveled to several countries. Where i grew up, traveling seems very luxurious thing. Ever since we were kids, we didn't travel much in the holiday. Mostly i faked my writing in the Bahasa Indonesia task where my teacher asked us to "Explain about your recent holiday" and staying at home while watching tv 24/7 doesn't seems like very interesting topic to write about, right? There i go, with my 3rd grade writing skill faking all up about my family trip to Puncak.

To my closest friends, i stated "traveling" is not actually my hobby. I don't like solo traveling. Let me tell you very clear, its sucks when you cannot express your emotion through your mother language's words to your buddy. It also get lonely when u finish all your checklist through the day. Then it comes to the question.

"Why did i solo traveling then?"

Every journey that i have been, it's actually a mistake. Yes, you heard me right. I supposed to go to Pakistan, but i didn't get my visa and i cannot refund my ticket. So i decided to go to Malaysia and Singapore without a clear plan. I did it. That was my first time going abroad, and i did it solo. So it's achievement for me. Then i went to Pakistan. I supposed to hang out with my buddy there, but shit happened. So i didn't enjoy it that much.
Next thing, i went to Japan, i supposed to go there with a friend. But, she got married and i continued with my journey. 

As you know that there is yin in every yang, there goes also with my traveling. Its actually blessing in disguise. I like making clear path of where i go in a spreadsheet. I like browsing and i like the hectic-ness of completing form to get a visa and i like challenge myself to go somewhere far. Alone. 

Now, with all the Instagram and i-want-to-become-famous-and-take-instagrammable-pics traveling is seems like a trend. For me, since traveling is not my hobby, it feels more like escapism for me. It's nice to get away from everyone for a while. It's nice to finally focus on what is in front of you instead of focus on what is inside your phone. Before i go, usually i told my colleague i would be totally disconnected to my phone. Which is true. 9 hours at work makes 45 hours per week is enough. Work took 1/3 of my life and i think if i take a break for 9 days, the company won't collapsed. 

During my travel, i met someone who sold his only van just to travel the world. I have a friend who resigned from her secure job and get working holiday visa in Australia working in a field, picking grapes at vineyard. My acquaintance in Pakistan resigned from his stable job and decided to travel his own country with a bike. That was pretty bold move for me. I will never have courage to do so. But they did it and its their hobby.

Its cool if its your hobby, but taking a loan and get into lots of debts i don't think it's something wiseful to do. When i travel i did it just to escape. I still want to go home. My problems are still there. My debts are still there. Refreshment? I feel so. But for hobby? I can say no.

So, for those who keeps saying traveling is your hobby, are you sure it is your passion? Or are you doing it just for the sake of the trend. Traveling cost a lot of money and being a beg-packer is the stupidest i saw in the internet. If you are traveling with your own money then i'd say it's very cool. And if you are traveling with your parent's money or even worse, with your partner's money and saying "Traveling is my hobby" then it might be your ego speaking. 

Thursday, July 5, 2018

Letter to Mama

After i spent 80 hours course of Spanish lesson, last weekend i went through an exam. The question is simple, i had to make a letter to my mama that i am at my friend's house and doing fine. I studied lots of words, i memorized all kind of sentences, yet somehow my brain didn' t work out well during exam. So, i tried to write it again with very less to no peeking through my notebook and Google Translate.
Hola Mama,
 ¿Que tal esta? Yo he vivido en Prita casa desde dos semana pasada. Prita casa esta grande y bonita. Su familia esta buena. Yo me he desayunado con un pan y una cafe ayer por la maƱana. Yo me he caminado a la ciudad he visto paisaje todo el dia. Despues Prita ha introducido con su amigo, Carlos. Carlos tiene lo el piel de morenos, los ojos de cafe, y los canellos de negro. Nosotros hemos nadado en su grupo. Todas esta Prita cumoelaƱos. Yo y Carlos dado los regalos para Prita. Prita parece feliz. Ok Mama, ahora voy a la cama. Hasta la proxima.
 Un beso,
 Ayu

 I wrote this just to feed my ego, anyway :p