Friday, May 17, 2019

Building Trust

You see,
I have problem about putting trust on somebody. I can easily trust someone even though i never meet them. Yes, in Islam you've been taught to always having husnuzon, when you supposed to think good toward a person. But that doesn't mean to blindly trust someone, because you might end up getting killed in the dark alley. Now, do you remember when your mom used to tell you to not get into the car with stranger? Or taking anyone's candy from a stranger? Yeah, i forgot about all of those things when i'm older.

I used to think bad guy look like a bad guy (from the movie). Beard, suspicious looking, and scar on their face. But in modern era like today, bad guy doesn't look like how i pictured. They can be sweet, good looking, smart, and articulate person. Have you heard about Ted Bundy? Who would've thought young, handsome looking, smart, and articulate person like him murdered 30 women (probably more) in a very sadistic way. There is even so many real example of BAD GUY LOOKING LIKE A GOOD GUY but still i didn't learn.

What i'm trying to say is, i have to admit that most of the time, i forgot i can say "no" which make me ended up trusting someone blindly. I can say No, i don't want to meet you. No, i can't go there. No, i don't want to lie to my mother, etc etc.
I didn't say that everyone that i meet all bad guys. But since i am into i-can-go-thousand-miles-for-you-even though-i-never-meet-you and i am easily bored, sometimes i took it into the extreme way to feed my curiosity and end up being disappointed. 

Even sometimes i trusted someone, and trying to be careful in every steps that i make, and the other person said, "So you don't trust me? After all this time?" or "You know what? We don't have to meet if you don't trust me", or even classic "You offended me by not trusting me". Ahem, i mean, if you really are trustworthy why are you so offended? You can just provide stuff that i need and be done with it without a lot of drama. Or maybe they really gonna kidnap you that's why they are easily offended. Hm.

I know its a mistakes by trusting people blindly and i thank God that i still ok now and not being harmed at all. I even learned this after so many times i blindly trusted someone. You know, trust is not something just born like that. You have to build trust. In my defense, it's not my fault i don't trust you, its you who doesn't make yourself trustworthy enough.
Now i'm looking so smart by saying this, but actually i have done so many stoopid stuff because i trust someone blindly.

One of the stupid mistake that i made was, i went thousand miles to a foreign land to meet someone, who doesn't even want to put his name on everything related to me. Because he said, that "i'm afraid that the company (where he put his name) might call my house phone and tell my father". It used to be make sense to me, but if i think now, that even i'm willing to go to a foreign land where i don't know anybody compared to someone just being afraid to get scolded by his father is utterly bullshit. Other that that, i have done so many other stupid things that i even too embarrassed to say it out loud.

Anyway, again, i don't know who read this stuff. Anybody. Really. I hope you can be smart in every steps that you make, and it would be very fundamental to teach your future kids about building trust on somebody and even on yourself to be trusted by somebody else. Especially in the modern era like today, in hookup culture, where you can meet someone as easy as just "swipe right".


Saturday, April 27, 2019

Work Hard or Work Smart?

Last week, i took a break from my work while it's long holiday. For total, i have 5 days break just to be at home. Chilling. Napping. Netflix. Binge Watching. Maybe some of you will comment on "Gila 5 hari di rumah doang?"
and i'd say...
"Fuck you, i like to be at home"
When people saying "Go big or Go Home", i would definitely choose to go home. What am i trying to show off anyway?

Anyway, i took a break for 5 days because i was concern about my mental health. I'm feeling burnout with my work. I didn't say this and asking some pity from everyone around me. I am actually thinking why i feel overwhelmed and do the research myself. This remind me of the difference between working hard or working smart. From my point of view, working hard is more into process and working smart is more into delivering the result. 

We have 9 working hours, which means 1/3 of my life i spent at work. I chose to plan my day to day activities so it don't exceed the working hours whereas company gladly make you do that. But for me, working 12 hours a day doesn't excite me at all. It even brings disappointment into my personal because i don't get to read a book that i bought, didn't get to learn my Spanish, didn't get to watch Netflix. 

I know some people chose the other side where they are really satisfied with work and enjoying it. But for me, my personal growth and my free time remains to be my priority to keep me sane. Anyway, during 9 hours of working, i chose the most efficient way to do the work so i get to do a lot of tasks and finish it on time. I read every other Medium article that labeled "Productivity" so i still can achieve my personal goal and professional goal. 

I have discussion with my good friend about productivity at work, the most interest thing is apparently people who working late cannot determined whether they are productive at work or not. Maybe if you are newbie at work, you might be impressed. If you observe them closely you would be thinking "Are they really productive at work?". The truth is, sometimes people who works 9 hours can clear more tasks than people who works 12 hours at work. But, some people at work cannot actually see it and give this-12-hours-champ an applause. 

Man, i even know someone who work in such top notch multi national company, and still he can manage everything well. Even, Jeff Bezos he still can eat dinner with his family everyday (before he got divorce). As a human, i need my ego to be feed as well and for you all who already done such tremendous work, congratulations on finish everything on time and create a balance between work and life. 

Please noted, i didn't offend anybody who has to work around the clock because it is their nature of their business. Maybe its agencies, maybe consultant. But for you all people who still got a chance to create your work life balance, please make it work. And if you cannot, please stop acting like you are the busiest person on earth.

Thursday, April 18, 2019

Nothing Last Forever

Contrary to what you were thinking, no...this isn't Maroon5 lyric with the similar song's title to this. I was hoping it would be as easy as copy paste this song tho.

After i broke down my earphone earlier, suddenly i thought "Damn, can't everything that i have become ever last?". I didn't put "Buying earphone" into my monthly budget, so of course i have to wait for next month and list it into my budget so i can buy one without messing up my monthly expenses. Anyhow, this got me thinking of this title.

I once listened to one of my favorite Ustadz, saying that everything that you own in this life (dunya) is temporary. Your family, your friends, your wealth, even your health can be taken away from you just like that, so that a person can know they can only rely on Allah. I know i am not as religious as i think i am, but of course this statement doesn't came from the Ustadz but from Him, so i believe in this.

Not a long ago, i felt like i'm loosing a friend. 
I have a friend that i cherish dearly, that i always talk to everyday, ramble about my days, even goes into my emergency contact, the one whom make sure that i am ok when i'm abroad or when i'm going on a date. I know this person for 8 years now and i know her stories through her bad and best day. One day, she found her lobster and told me she was getting married. Of course i'm happy for her, i really do, but there is a feeling sneaking into my mind that worried "what if she never reply my messages anymore?" , "what if she is busy with her life", etc etc. 

I was worried as i told my other friend about this matter. Luckily, this friend comfort me spiritually and reminded me that there is nothing actually last forever, and i should be rely on Allah than human. Because human can let you down, but Allah won't. She told me so many things, but this is the part where i remember the most. 
This statement might seems like a spiritually journey, but this taught me to be more calm if somebody leaves me.

I still being cynical at times, when people annoyed me and i want to cut them for the rest of my life, i thought to myself "There are 7.1 billions people in this world, impossible nobody can replace you". Which i still think about it. The thing is i'm not good at comfort people as i always awkward around in the moment where they think i can comfort them. Because i don't think my cynical thought can be accept by them.

The other bitter truth that i found is, in the company, no matter how good you are, you will always be replaceable. Yes, they might cry when they bid adieu to you in your farewell party. But, not less than 3 months you will be replaced by other people. And the people who cried for you? Give it a month. Tops. Then they will forget about you. So, how can people get so jumawa on their skills where the can easily be replaced, i wonder.

Anyway, in this topic of Nothing Last Forever, it got me thinking that i don't want to take anybody or anything in my life for granted. Ever. Family that i can rely on, friends that support me, wealth that i am living in, health that make me can type this vigorously. I guess it is true, that you cannot buy those things. The most valuable things in life.

I don't know who will read this post. Anybody. Really. I hope you cherish your family that has been nice to you, friends that always support you despite of your attitude, or even maybe a lover that love through the thick and thin. Everyday. To their last day.

Saturday, March 23, 2019

Traveling is a Trend or Hobby?

As a person who still cannot figure out which one actually my hobby is, this topic actually risky. However, i still put "traveling" in a column of hobby whenever i filled out a form, or signing up on something (dating apps is one of them). 

I have been very lucky that i can traveled to several countries. Where i grew up, traveling seems very luxurious thing. Ever since we were kids, we didn't travel much in the holiday. Mostly i faked my writing in the Bahasa Indonesia task where my teacher asked us to "Explain about your recent holiday" and staying at home while watching tv 24/7 doesn't seems like very interesting topic to write about, right? There i go, with my 3rd grade writing skill faking all up about my family trip to Puncak.

To my closest friends, i stated "traveling" is not actually my hobby. I don't like solo traveling. Let me tell you very clear, its sucks when you cannot express your emotion through your mother language's words to your buddy. It also get lonely when u finish all your checklist through the day. Then it comes to the question.

"Why did i solo traveling then?"

Every journey that i have been, it's actually a mistake. Yes, you heard me right. I supposed to go to Pakistan, but i didn't get my visa and i cannot refund my ticket. So i decided to go to Malaysia and Singapore without a clear plan. I did it. That was my first time going abroad, and i did it solo. So it's achievement for me. Then i went to Pakistan. I supposed to hang out with my buddy there, but shit happened. So i didn't enjoy it that much.
Next thing, i went to Japan, i supposed to go there with a friend. But, she got married and i continued with my journey. 

As you know that there is yin in every yang, there goes also with my traveling. Its actually blessing in disguise. I like making clear path of where i go in a spreadsheet. I like browsing and i like the hectic-ness of completing form to get a visa and i like challenge myself to go somewhere far. Alone. 

Now, with all the Instagram and i-want-to-become-famous-and-take-instagrammable-pics traveling is seems like a trend. For me, since traveling is not my hobby, it feels more like escapism for me. It's nice to get away from everyone for a while. It's nice to finally focus on what is in front of you instead of focus on what is inside your phone. Before i go, usually i told my colleague i would be totally disconnected to my phone. Which is true. 9 hours at work makes 45 hours per week is enough. Work took 1/3 of my life and i think if i take a break for 9 days, the company won't collapsed. 

During my travel, i met someone who sold his only van just to travel the world. I have a friend who resigned from her secure job and get working holiday visa in Australia working in a field, picking grapes at vineyard. My acquaintance in Pakistan resigned from his stable job and decided to travel his own country with a bike. That was pretty bold move for me. I will never have courage to do so. But they did it and its their hobby.

Its cool if its your hobby, but taking a loan and get into lots of debts i don't think it's something wiseful to do. When i travel i did it just to escape. I still want to go home. My problems are still there. My debts are still there. Refreshment? I feel so. But for hobby? I can say no.

So, for those who keeps saying traveling is your hobby, are you sure it is your passion? Or are you doing it just for the sake of the trend. Traveling cost a lot of money and being a beg-packer is the stupidest i saw in the internet. If you are traveling with your own money then i'd say it's very cool. And if you are traveling with your parent's money or even worse, with your partner's money and saying "Traveling is my hobby" then it might be your ego speaking. 

Thursday, July 5, 2018

Letter to Mama

After i spent 80 hours course of Spanish lesson, last weekend i went through an exam. The question is simple, i had to make a letter to my mama that i am at my friend's house and doing fine. I studied lots of words, i memorized all kind of sentences, yet somehow my brain didn' t work out well during exam. So, i tried to write it again with very less to no peeking through my notebook and Google Translate.
Hola Mama,
 ¿Que tal esta? Yo he vivido en Prita casa desde dos semana pasada. Prita casa esta grande y bonita. Su familia esta buena. Yo me he desayunado con un pan y una cafe ayer por la maƱana. Yo me he caminado a la ciudad he visto paisaje todo el dia. Despues Prita ha introducido con su amigo, Carlos. Carlos tiene lo el piel de morenos, los ojos de cafe, y los canellos de negro. Nosotros hemos nadado en su grupo. Todas esta Prita cumoelaƱos. Yo y Carlos dado los regalos para Prita. Prita parece feliz. Ok Mama, ahora voy a la cama. Hasta la proxima.
 Un beso,
 Ayu

 I wrote this just to feed my ego, anyway :p

Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Thought About Love

Dulu saya pernah entry post tentang bicara cinta.
Sebenernya cinta tuh apa sih?

Karena dari dulu saya seneng banget nonton film cinta-cintaan dan baca novel teenlit dan chicklit. Jadi waktu kecil saya pikir cinta itu adalah ketika ada laki-laki ganteng yang naksir kamu apa adanya kemudian bahagia selamanya tanpa ada gangguan apapun.
It is actually nicer if we simplify into that meaning.

Orang kalo jatuh cinta sering melakukan yang saya sendiri suka amazed. Saya sendiri pernah pergi ribuan mil atas dasar cinta. Saya cuma tidur 2 jam karena ngobrol ditelpon aja saya udah bahagia. Langit terasa lebih biru, mundane activity seems easier. Ini kasusnya saya ya yang jatuh cinta, orang tersebut nggak jatuh cinta sama saya. Bahkan pura-pura nggak tau saya cinta sama dia. Saya tadinya nggak masalah sih, karena saya selama ini selalu meromantisasi cinta bertepuk sebelah tangan.

I thought, if i listen to his story everyday, do a little bit more, lowering my ego, maybe he will realized how big my love is. Tapi sesungguhnya tai kucing dengan definisi cinta yang begini. Romantisasi cinta bertepuk sebelah tangan jadi terlihat klise dan konyol. Karena saya juga nggak punya standar akan bagaimana harusnya saya diperlakukan. Saya jadi kayak orang bego kalo inget-inget pengorbanan saya.

Growing up fatherless, i much think myself maybe i have attachment issue. Saya juga jadi nggak punya standar arti cinta itu. Kakek saya meninggal ketika saya umur 4 tahun (probably, can't remember well :p). Ayah saya meninggal ketika saya masih bayi, ibu saya sempat menikah lagi, tapi pernikahannya gagal. Kakak saya pernikahannya juga gagal. So, it seems love doesn't work in my family. Saya jadi terbiasa ngapa-ngapain sendiri dan saya juga nggak ada masalah sih. Cuma saya jadi nggak punya standar apa arti cinta sebenarnya. Saya sendiri jadinya mengobatinya dengan holiday fling. Holiday fling is nice, but it is only temporary. Lagi seberapa kuat sih saya ngapa-ngapain nggak pake feeling. Sekali saya kena holiday fling galaunya nggak ilang-ilang, sampe 3 bulan pasca liburan saya masih kebayang-bayang. Orangnya sih juga mungkin udah lupa sama saya.

Anyway, going back to my definition of love, i once heard or saw it maybe in a books or movies. Ada pasangan yang udah dimabuk asmara semabuk-mabuknya sampe ngomong gini "I love you so much, i can't live without you. I don't know what will i do without you". Kalo saya denger ada yang ngomong gitu siapapun, saya jadi kasian. Pertama, cinta begitu nggak sehat. Kedua, romantisasi kayak begini dari film dan buku sesungguhnya memuakkan yang ngebuat saya jadi kasian.....bukan kasian sama yang ngomong, saya kasian sama orang yang diomongin gitu.

Personally i think love is not about pitiful, and i think some people mistaken that. Ini sumpah sedih banget. Saya sendiri punya temen, yang definisi cintanya kayak begitu. Dia jadi nggak berani mutusin karena takut pacarnya nggak mau makan, nggak mau kerja, nggak mau hidup, depresi. Both looks suffer, but they both have each other consent, so ok. Menurut saya cinta begitu kekanak-kanakkan, out there Trump meeting Kim Jong Un discussed about nuclear and marked as historical journey of all times and there you are sobbing over your sad sad love story. Konyol aja gitu jatohnya dan tentunya kalo saya punya temen begitu, saya langsung cut dari hidup saya.

In this finding definition of true love, in the middle of my confusion about love. I don't know who read this post, somebody, anybody really, i wish you found the meaning of your love. And may God leads you to your true love. Hey, maybe your true love could be in Arctic, dogs sledding and petting his wolves. Who knows?

Going Solo

Pernah suatu hari saya ditanya sama temen saya ketika saya baru pulang liburan sendirian
"Yu, lo ngga takut jalan-jalan sendirian?"
Jawabannya......"enggak"

__
Saya inget pertama kali saya melakukan sesuatu sendiri itu adalah ketika saya masih SMP dan saya harus beli baju batik untuk buku tahunan sendirian. Bukannya nggak dibeliin sama ibu saya waktu itu, justru ibu saya udah beliin saya baju batik. Nah tapi karena dulu waktu remaja saya anaknya rebel dan entah mengapa waktu itu saya sering nggak tau terimakasih, bukannya saya "terimakasih" alih-alih saya bilang "jelek banget...nggak mau pake". Akhirnya ibu saya bilang, yaudalah terserah kamu, cari sendiri sana.

Dari situlah perjalanan saya beli baju sendiri, terus potong rambut sendiri, nonton film bioskop sendiri. Saya bukan introvert yang kutu buku, bisa mengeluarkan fakta-fakta jenius, dan being actually good on something. Saya justru hiperaktif dan saya suka ketemu orang baru (ketemu orang baru ya, tapi saya kurang suka buat temen baru :p)
Saya suka ketemu orang baru karena somehow lebih enak aja gitu kalo cerita, karena sebenernya saya suka merasa udah tau aja gitu apa isi kepala orang-orang di sekitar circle saya. Sotoy sih, but true. 

Liburan pertama sendiri saya waktu itu ke negeri tetangga. Deket sih, dan ibu saya juga nggak khawatir karena tau saya anaknya emang udah suka solo.

"is it fun?" "not necessarily, sih"
Seenak-enaknya jalan sendiri, menurut saya akan lebih enak kalo liburan paling enggak berdua. Dibilang fun ketika saya pergi ke amusement park aja, ada jalur sendiri, lebih cepet, saya bisa teriak sepuasnya, nggak perlu nungguin siapa-siapa kalo lagi pengen lari-lari.

Saya suka sendirian, tapi saya suka kesepian. Saya inget, waktu liburan sendirian, saya jalan ke tamannya Mall Suria KLCC, terus saya duduk sambil mikir "ini ngapain ya saya sendiri ke sini."
Atau waktu saya ke Pakistan
"Gila saya ke Pakistan sendirian. Ngapain dah?"
Saya duduk ngeliatin air mancur, dan orang yang jalan-jalan sambil selfie. Waktu itu saya mikir "Ih sekarang hari Senin dan saya malah duduk-duduk di sini sedangkan temen kantor saya lagi kerja" he he.

How to cope up with loneliness when you abroad 101
Ini rada gelay sih, tapi beneran deh, saya sering dealing with loneliness ketika liburan. Most likely karena bosen sih. Terus saya langsung ngelurin smartphone saya dan go to Tinder atau Couchsurfing. Entah mengapa saya nggak ada ketakutan gitu ketemu orang di internet. Karena saya mikir.....ya etika kopdar saya cari yang tempatnya rame jadi kalo kenapa-kenapa ada banyak saksi mata. I know people in Tinder do it mostly for hookups tapi saya cuma mau nyari temen jalan aja. Ya sukur sukur hit it off.

Banyak yang bilang gila banget ketemuan orang dari internet. Kayaknya saya udah ditahap, cmon its 2018, semuanya udah serba digital. Entah mengapa saya juga selalu merasa semua orang itu baik, jadi saya bener-bener jadi fearless gitu. Saya ngga tau sih pikiran ini bisa harming me atau enggak. Tapi ya begitu adanya. Intinya sih jangan ngarep aja gitu ketemu jodoh ketika lagi kopdar dari kedua aplikasi tersebut. Sukur-sukur dapet, kalo enggak ya yaudah.

Jadi kesimpulannya, setelah years of going solo and my inner circle also doing all the same, so i think it's normal thing to do. One thing for sure, it is better for going solo than bad companion. Seriously, bad companion sucks. Do yourself a favor and do it solo.
Nggak usah takut ngapa-ngapain sendiri karena toh pada akhirnya kita juga akan mati sendiri. Deep but true ;)